Locus reviews "Athlete's Foot"

Lois Tilton of Locus reviewed Crowded #1, which included my short story, "Athlete's Foot."​ Her opinion was a resounding "meh."

This is humor, that sort that depends on making the fall guy into such an egregious asshole so we can laugh at a misfortune that would be tragic in a sympathetic character. It also helps if the misfortune is a bit absurd. The narrator, give him credit, does come up with some sympathy in the end.

Fair enough. One of the most important lessons I learned as a creative person is that you can't fault people for not liking what they don't like.​ The fact that Ms. Tilton thought my short story "Lucky" was "genuinely funny" eases the sting a little, too.

Lois Tilton reviews Short Fiction, early March

​Related

Locus reviews "Lucky"

Novel draft finished!

On Tuesday, I finished the first draft of my novel-in-progress, tentatively called National Champions​. A couple of weeks ago as I was slogging toward the end of the book, I noticed that I'd started it on April 2, 2012. Stephen King advises never to take more than three months to bang out a draft. I don't know if I'll ever be that fast, but I decided a year was quite long enough, thank you. So on April 2, 2013, I triumphantly typed "THE END" at the end of the manuscript.

This is the point in the process when a lot of writers like to bemoan how bad their first draft is. I don't understand this--a builder doesn't frame out a house, then say, "Man, this place is a dump!" It's supposed to be rough when it's a first draft. Personally, enjoy the editing process way more than the drafting process anyway. I'm giving myself a break from this book -- at least a month, no more than three -- to work on some short stories and my next column. Then I shall look upon this world I have wrought, then -- and only then -- will I realize how terrible my first draft probably is. And that's okay.

If you're curious about the book itself, it's a superhero novel about a kid named Cody Hawthorn. He's your everyday clueless teenager, except that he can bench press 2,000 pounds and finds bullets a minor annoyance. He gets a recruited to attend Piedmont State University to pursue a degree in Civil Defense -- my fancy in-world title for a superhero-studies program.

Piedmont State isn't Hogwart's, nor is it Xavier's School for Gifted Youngsters. This is a public research institution where faculty expertise doesn't necessarily translate to good teaching; where other programs of study compete with (and feel resentment toward) the Civil Defense program's notoriety and funding; and no matter how talented you are, professors will always like next year's recruiting class better than you.

The second draft shouldn't take nearly as long as the first. I'm looking forward to taking a break, though, before tearing into the story again. I'll keep you posted when it's finished.

"Athlete's Foot" reviewed in Tangent

Crowded Magazine's debut issue (which includes my short story "Athlete's Foot") earned a positive review from Tangent. They seemed to enjoy my work as well:

"The story is lighthearted and an entertaining read and I love the way Ferris caught the mindset of [protagonist] Tyler as an athlete desperately trying to stay in the sport he loves; the character is a major strength of the story."

Also of note in the review is "Mirrorball" by Jason Helmandollar, which reviewer Chuck Rothman says is "a strong, highly emotional story that I hope doesn't get overlooked when awards are considered.​" I concur, it's well worth your time.

Tangent's review of Crowded Magazine #1​

The Mighty Kraken Guitar

​Blindworm Guitars presents The Mighty Kraken, "A fully acoustic and electric monster." My favorite bit is the swimming Kraken on the fretboard with its terrible eye denoting the twelfth fret. Its magnetic, piezo, and MIDI pickups make it perfect for a gig, the studio, or the high seas.

The Mighty Kraken from Blindworm Guitars

"Top 5 Affectations Every Writer Should Adopt" at Writer Unboxed

Check out my debut column for Writer Unboxed, in which I discuss the most effective ways to make yourself stand out like a Roman candle in a parlor full of Flameless Candles.

Dress to impress. Don a T-shirt commemorating an author whose image you want to portray (Hemingway–I’m a tough guy with a sensitive side and a drinking problem; James Joyce–I like to tell people I read James Joyce. I am also a drunk). Gentlemen, catch her eye by sporting…well, a sport coat, the kind with those swanky elbow patches. Ladies, try on some big librarian glasses. Hold your hair in a bun with a number two pencil, then whip it loose like you’re in an ‘80s music video. To make sure he sees you, do this every fifteen minutes. Both sexes may accessorize with berets, scarves, or pipes–but never more than one. You don’t want to look like you’re trying too hard.​

​Of course, the best way to stand out is to write a good book. I don't mean you, your​ novel is fantastic. I meant those other folks.

Hacks for Hacks: Top 5 Affectations Every Writer Should Adopt

Hacks for Hacks: New column starts March 16 at Writer Unboxed

My new humor column starts this Saturday, March 16, at Writer Unboxed. [UPDATE: The column is now live. You can read it here.] I'll be providing valuable tips and tricks for every aspiring writer. Here's a look at what you can expect:

Writer Unboxed overflows with insight and inspiration for tomorrow's bestsellers and literary darlings. But what of dilettantes and hacks? Is there no advice for them? Hard work and dedication is all well and good, but some folks need to know the top five ways to harass an agent who rejects them. Or how many times is too many to flog their self-published novel on Twitter (trick question--it's never too many!).

Like a combination of Lifehacker, The 4-Hour Workweek, and the most obnoxious member of your writing group, my "Hacks for Hacks" column will reinforce bad habits, appeal to insecurities, and help make slush piles a little bit slushier.

Catch "Hacks for Hacks" on the third Saturday of every month. Have some ideas for future columns? Let me know in the comments section.

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I'm a columnist, apparently

3D-printed guitars by Olaf Diegel

We truly live in the future. You can apparently just draw up a guitar on your computer machine, then presto! A magic box will dispense a guitar.

These 3D-printed guitars by Olaf Diegel are seriously cool. The Atom guitar (pictured) is "Inspired by oil coalescing on water in atom-like patterns, as seen under a microscope." I'm not crazy about the spider guitar, given that it glorifies the most horrifying creatures on the planet, but the idea of a machine spitting out a flawless guitar body automatically has me pretty fired up. I'd like to build a guitar myself, but the idea of a computer doing it for me appeals to my sense of music as well as to my laziness.

Hopefully someday soon they'll have a 3D-printed Flying V.

3D-printed guitars from Olaf Diegel

"Athlete's Foot" is now available in Issue 1 of Crowded

A fine magazine with the good sense to publish one of my short stories

New publication! But have you ever wanted to hear the thrilling saga of how a short story gets published? No? Well, here it is anyway, and you can skip it if you want:

​In November of 2010, I submitted my favorite short story I'd written to a magazine that had just started paying professional rates. It was a funny piece about basketball and limb loss, and I thought it'd be a good fit at this magazine. Best of all, it would be my first pro-level short fiction sale.

Submitting stories for publication takes a long time. Editors have huge amounts of stories to sift through, and a lot of magazines expect you to submit exclusively--editors don't want to invest a lot of time and energy into a story only to have it snatched away by another magazine. If you get caught simultaneously submitting, that magazine will refuse to publish you until the sun rises in the west.

So, this magazine. It took them a while to get back to me. After six months, I sent a polite query to ask if they had had a chance to ​look at it. They replied that they'd been inundated with submissions after they'd raised their pay rate, so it might be a while. Fair enough, I thought.

I still thought it was fair after a year, when I sent this magazine another query (you'll notice I'm not mentioning them by name, so you can probably see where this is going). No decision yet, but they'd advanced me into the "maybe" pile, so I had that going for me, which was nice.

We went back-and-forth another six months until last April, when I informed them (politely) ​to remove my story from consideration so I could consider another market.

Their reply: "That's too bad especially since it was so very close to getting bought. Best of luck to you."

I've been submitting to magazines for several years, so I'm pretty good at dealing with rejection. But their little "So long, asshole" routine was definitely a beetle in my french fries (which really happened to me one time). It was the implicit, "If you'd only allowed us to dick you around for another six months, we'd have bought your story. Maybe." The thing that irritated me most, though, was that it took them a month-and-a-half to write it--they couldn't even tell me to go to Hell in a timely fashion.

On the Big List of Injustices in this world, this one ranks pretty low, but it annoyed me nonetheless. Did you notice I used past tense there? I am over it. At last, I have my sort-of revenge. ​

My short story "Athlete's Foot" is now available in the debut issue of Crowded. This magazine has some great stories in it, accompanied by some terrific looking artwork. (And yes, they pay professional rates, in case you were worried about my career or whatever.)

"Athlete's Foot" is a horror/urban fantasy story about Tyler, an American basketball player struggling to make it in the European minor leagues. A good season might get him back to the States and the NBA. Too bad for him, his team has also signed former NBA superstar (and current out-of-shape has-been) LaWilliam Morris, who treats Tyler like his personal slave. Tyler doesn't believe in karma, but he finds out that what goes around does come around once in a while, and that's not always a good thing.

Am I being petty about this whole thing? Yeah, probably. But like I said, "Athlete's Foot" is one of my favorites, and finally seeing it published feels really good. I hope you enjoy reading it.

Crowded, Issue 1

Download a free anthology of writers eligible for the John W. Campbell Award

Stupefying Stories, a fine publication that has published two of my own works, has released their biggest project to date. The 2013 Campbellian Pre-Reading Anthology features stories from forty-three (!) different authors, all of whom are eligible the John W. Campbell Award for Best New Writer​. Best of all, it's a free download.

I'm not eligible for the Campbell until next year, but I'm privileged to be friends with two of the talented authors in the anthology, Rich Matrunick and M. David Blake. I also met Rebecca Gomez Farrell at a party once, and she served peaches wrapped in prosciutto and rosemary, which has nothing to do with writing but is absolutely worth mentioning. I would not try to sway your vote one way or another, but I can personally attest that their fictions are quite good.

To sum up: Whether you can nominate writers for the Campbell, or you just want to read a lot of good stories for free, it would behoove you to download this anthology.

2013 Campbellian Pre-Reading Anthology

I'm a columnist, apparently

Starting March 16, I'm the new monthly humor columnist at Writer Unboxed. WU is a site loaded with advice for scribes of all levels, plus interviews, general thoughts on the writing life, and now, Bill Ferris. I'll share more details on this as I'm able. I'm excited to get started, though, and I think you'll like the column.